Thinking you can buy a sex toy to fix your sex life is naïve. Toys and sexy outfits can be lots of fun, but only if there’s already a decent sexual relationship and the communication and connection is already there.

Also, while there is no denying that getting over your resistance to sex toys can be liberating, you’re not automatically more sexually uninhibited or adventurous if you come with attachments.

Some of us do just fine on our own. I have a friend who practically orgasms when she sneezes. She says she’s never felt the need for a vibrator. On the other hand, vibrators are great if you’re a woman who has a hard time reaching climax. It’s a bit like having a one-night stand when you’re going through a dry spell. It restores your faith and let’s you know there’s hope. It’s also a great way to show your guy what you like and what it takes to get you there.

Plenty of straight guys are even more intimidated by vibrators than women. But usually it’s because they worry that a vibrator will put him out of business and she’ll ride off into the sunset with her Hitachi Magic Wand. Or that he’s a “bad lover” because he can’t get her off on his own.

Vibrators are not a substitute for The Real Thing — they’re a “thing” all on their own. Rather than treat them as a rival, consider all the wear and tear they can save on your tongue and fingers.

The sex toy market has changed a lot since its early “personal massager” days. Most major cities now have well-lit, women-friendly shops (some even serve tea!) with informed and open-minded staff members who make it easy to ask even the most delicate questions. Or, if you’re too shy to walk into a shop, you can buy them online and have them delivered right to your doorstep.

And whether you want to bust the bank and shell out $325 for a 24-karat gold water-resistant vibrator designed by Herman Miller or a $20 vibrating silver egg (a good starter toy to find out if you even like the sensation of a vibrator), there’s something for everyone’s budget and sexual preference.

Another thing to consider is power. Women who can come from manual stimulation or are easily orgasmic will be fine with a model that takes two AA batteries. If orgasm is more difficult for you, you might consider something stronger or even a plug-in. If you want a good buzz and don’t necessarily want penetration, try one of the egg-shaped vibrators sometimes called Silver Bullets or Mini-Pearls.

I’m not a big fan of vibrators that look like real sex organs. They creep me out. Also, don’t make the mistake a lot of guys make: just because they’d like to have a really big penis doesn’t mean their girlfriend does. As for technique — and this is true with all sexual technique — don’t head for home plate right away. Stimulate the entire genital area (and anywhere else you care to) to get each other used to the toy and get the blood flowing before you go in for the full buzz.

Most vibrators will claim to fly you to the moon and back if they think it’ll make you buy the thing, but the clit attachments I’ve seen on most vibrators seem mostly like an afterthought. I can just imagine the designers of these things: “Oh yeah, the clit, I’ve heard of that, isn’t it somewhere around her belly button? Here’s let’s attach this lame, freaky animal-shaped thing on the end of this sucker and that’ll take care of that!”

Same with some wearable or remote-control toys. Just having something vibrating in your crotch area doesn’t automatically make a woman come. The vibrating part has to be pressed against her at just the right spot in order for her to climax.

No need to let her have all the fun, either. Basic leather, rubber, or vinyl cock rings are one of the most simple accessories that can up the ante for the boys by intensifying that “I am happy to see you” stand-at-attention feeling. Some fancier versions combine vibration, clitoral stimulation pads and his and hers vibrating bullets to make it fun for everyone. Rubber, cyberskin, or elastomer penis “sleeves” offer something more fun to stick it in than a vacuum cleaner (yes, apparently, some boys do this, and I don’t recommend it) or those nasty-looking rubber vaginas with the Brillo-pad pubic hair, when the real thing isn’t available. Some even vibrate.

The Fleshlight is a plastic flashlight-looking case filled with a sleeve of cyberskin in vagina, mouth or butthole models. Lube it up and off you go. And if you want her to get involved, let her operate the thing. It’d be like having a second vagina in bed — a sort of threesome without all the fuss.