Dear Josey,
This may seem like a joke, but it isn’t. Though I’m not a strict vegetarian, I avoid meat. A couple years ago, I began to eat more carnivorously and now I occasionally enjoy a smoked meat sandwich or BBQ. I’ve been seeing a woman for over a year and we share an exciting and passionate love life.
However, often during sex, all I can think about is hamburgers. When I squeeze her ass, I’m wishing it were a steaming cheeseburger. I have dreams where I fill the bathtub with hot burgers and mayo, and squishing around getting off. Why am I having these thoughts? Should I tell her about this?
-Trying to Get to the Meat of the Matter

Dear Trying,
I thought pretty much any fetish, no matter how out there, had its own URL these days, but after extensive research both online and off, I’m beginning to think you might be on your own on this one. I thought I was on to something when I came across an entry for “meatotomy” in Brenda Love’s Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, but it turns out that a meatotomy is an incision or tearing to enlarge the urethra so that various things may be inserted into the penis ... including other penises. (Please, do not try this at home!)
And since hamburger meat is your flesh of choice, you also don’t qualify as an anthropophagist, more commonly known as a cannibal, who may get off sexually from eating human flesh. Botulinonia is the term for having sex with a sausage, but you’re not talking about boning hamburgers, just eating them and squishing around in a bathtub full of ’em. Even “wet and messy” fetishists prefer to fill their bathtubs with gooey things like Spaghetti-Os rather than meat, though mayo and mustard are among the foods they like to see slathered on people. But again, no sign of people fantasizing that their partner’s buttocks are “steamy cheeseburgers.” (I do seem to recall a Seinfeld episode in which George wanted to combine his two favourite things — eating and sex — so he brought a sandwich to bed and tried to sneak bites during intercourse.)
As to why you’re having these thoughts ... well, fetishes often derive from things considered taboo. As a vegetarian who avoids meat, it makes sense for you to fetishize it. Should you tell her? Well, like you said, if it’s getting to the point where you absolutely need to bring a Big Mac to bed to get off, you’ll need to talk. Though maybe not over dinner.

Dear Josey,
I’ve heard that when men are more aroused during intercourse, they increase the volume of their ejaculate. Is this true?
-Pumping Up the Volume

Dear Pumping,
Generally, it’s not the level of arousal but how long he holds off between orgasms that increases the amount of seminal fluid produced in his seminal vesicles and prostate. Strengthening your PC muscles (the ones you flex to stop your pee stream midway) may help you last longer and possibly increase volume, as will holding off a few days between ejaculations. It may also be that a stronger orgasm resulting from a more heightened state of arousal makes it look like you’re ejaculating more because your ejaculate exits more, shall we say, enthusiastically than the average dribble.
You’ve no doubt received e-mail spam advertising supplements containing zinc or Amino Acids L-Arginine or L-Carnitine — they claim will increase the amount you ejaculate, but, like penis enlargement potions and pills, they play into men’s weird desire to be hung like John Holmes and squirt buckets of cum. (“You may even outperform a porn star and increase volume by a whopping 470 per cent,” promises one. “With the right aphrodisiac herbs, you will ejaculate more semen, have steel-like erections and possess a devil’s libido,” boasts another.)
The fact is, while you may be able to increase volume slightly, we’re not talking buckets. The average male squirts between a half to one whole teaspoon so even a whopping, though unlikely, 470 per cent only amounts to about two ounces, max. Ultimately, who cares how much you shoot? Rather than focus on how big a wet spot you can leave, spend more energy on all the good stuff leading up to ejaculation.