Sharing funny or embarrassing sex stories is human nature. But, of course, with most tales of sexual foibles, it is often difficult to separate truth from urban fiction. Like, didn’t we all go to high school with someone who knew someone who knew someone who knew this girl, we swear, who masturbated with a frozen hot dog and ended up in emergency to have it extracted? In some cases, however, fiction is simply no match for reality, as with these tales of masturbation gone wrong gathered from friends, family (okay, not family), and readers.

First up, my friend’s “buddy” (funny, how many embarrassing sex stories happened to a “buddy”) discovered that the jets on his parents’ hot tub made for an excellent masturbation tool and so enjoyed several hot tubs a day... that is, until the day his father walked in to find him humping the side of the hot tub. Buddy panicked, streaked outta the tub through the house, and wiped out on the kitchen floor, landing flat on his back with his erection pointing straight up at his mother standing over him making dinner.

Summer camp is always a good place to pick up a few masturbation tips. One reader’s brother taught his tent full of campmates to masturbate... into their socks. The concerned camp counselor was less distressed about the litter of socks he’d find every morning outside the tent than the fact that laundry day was only once a week and the boys were going sockless by the second day.

Creative masturbation techniques and teenage boys go together like tanning lotion and, well, masturbation. From my last book, Bedside Manners, comes the story of the boy whose mother tired of having to replace the hand lotion her son was not so discreetly employing for things other than hand softening, so she hid it. Luckily, some newly discovered tanning lotion did the trick until dad came in one night before baseball practice and asked to check his son’s protective cup, only to discover his boy’s self-tanned pumpkin orange tool. Dad said he wouldn’t tell mom. Right. The guy said he’s never heard two people laugh so hard in all his life.

I laughed pretty hard when a woman told me about the time when she was about 14 and dreamt that her grandmother came to her with a notebook, listing every time her granddaughter had masturbated. “It scared me so much I didn’t touch myself for a month!” the reader wrote.

Then again, dreaming that family members are tracking your masturbation habits isn’t nearly as mortifying as having them walk in on you armed with a birthday cake singing “Happy Birthday” while you’re in the middle of your morning, er, ritual. Why a family feels the bathroom is an appropriate place to spring a birthday cake upon you is another question.

A more disturbing question, however, is why a friend who’s visiting for the weekend would decide your electric toothbrush is an appropriate masturbation tool, as was the case for another reader. Though walking in to find her using it is way more disturbing than the question itself.

More challenging than disturbing is the story from a guy who decided to try wanking while staying in London’s Tent City (a huge army tent full of cots for backpackers). Try getting off when you’ve got some American jock screaming, “Whoever’s shaking the beds better fucking stop!” and various other profanities while you desperately try to finish what you started.

Then there’s the woman with the tool fetish who decided to have her way with a screwdriver belonging to the cute plumber who came to fix the radiators in her apartment while he was out fetching something from the landlord.

Finally, there’s the poor woman for whom masturbation is apparently a bit of a bore. In fact, she’s never been able to masturbate to orgasm because masturbating always puts her to sleep. So she only does it when she has insomnia. I suppose it’s better than drugs.

Looking for your stories!
I’m working on my sixth book, a sex guide for couples with no time on their hands, and I’m looking for personal (not embarrassing) stories. If you have funny, serious or touching anecdotes or stories in any of the following categories, please send them to: letters@joseyvogels.com. Names and identities will be changed upon request.
• Most memorable
• Seduction by your partner
• Kiss from your partner
• Massage
• Hand job
• Oral sex
• Intercourse
• Sexual position
• Anal sex
• Sexual fantasy (acted upon or not)
• Roleplay
• Experimentation with sex toys
• Extreme play (bondage, spanking, sensation play)
• Spiritual encounter (through breathing, touch, Tantric practices)