Let’s Play The Pyramid! | Brendan Fraser leaps back into action in The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.
THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR
Directed by Rob Cohen. Starring Brendan Fraser, Maria Bello, Jet Li. Now playing.
*1/2
I’m sure it was with the best of intentions that producer Stephen Sommers chose to resurrect the classic 1930s movie monster The Mummy, and it seemed that everyone was with him. Audiences flocked to see his reimagining of the Karloff classic and its sequel, The Mummy Returns—both are brain-dead but action-packed bits of fun harking back to the glory days of 1930s serials... or blatant Indiana Jones ripoffs, depending on who you ask. Either way, they each made pyramids of cash, so the return of some kind of Mummy was inevitable.
Well, it took seven years, but the franchise shuffles back from the grave with The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. I have to say, this is one Mummy I’d like to forget—a MILF, if you will. (Groan away—I’m the one who had to sit through it.)
As the film opens, we find the O’Connells—tomb-raiding archaeologist Rick (Brendan Fraser) and his partner/wife Evelyn (the slumming Maria Bello)—living like retired socialites. The success of their previous mummy encounters have left them wealthy but bored. That’s why they jump at the chance to deliver a mystical jewel to a Chinese museum. Besides, it’s a good excuse to check in on their now-adult son (Luke Ford), who is now in the family business of grave-robbing. He’s uncovered the tomb of Han (Jet Li), the evil Dragon Emperor, who 10,000 years ago destroyed...
Oh God. I could go on and on, but I just don’t have the strength.
Time and again, our heroes remind us of how much they hate mummies, and it didn’t take me long to start agreeing with them. From its overlong intro all the way through its nonsensical plot and too-long chase/fight/battle scenes, it’s tough to find any redeeming qualities in Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Okay, maybe the Emperor and his army of terra cotta warriors look cool and the appearance of a gang of Yeti was neat, but the dialogue and acting are so terrible it’s impossible to enjoy any of the CGI goodness. (And yes, there is such a thing.)
As I watched The Mummy: TDE, I was struck by how many things just didn’t make sense. And I’m not referring to the plot holes and gaps in logic you naturally expect to find in movies like this; I’m talking about things like the addition of the incredibly talented Maria Bello (A History of Violence, The Cooler) possessing an English accent so bad it sounds like Dick Van Dyke was her dialect coach. I’m talking about the way the film barely uses the natural talents of martial arts superstars Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh, relying instead on lame slo-mo-fu for their action scenes. Even Brendan Fraser, Hollywood’s answer to Minute Rice (easy to digest, can be served with anything), seems a little unsure of what exactly he’s shooting at.
But what struck me most was the film’s PG-13 rating; the ratio of disembowelments and gun deaths to eight-year old kids in the audience really set off my inner “not right” alarm. There is so much gun violence in this thing that it began to get a little offensive. You can’t even kill a mummy with a gun, but after three movies and one spinoff (The Scorpion King), I think I know what might send this festering franchise back to its fetid tomb for good—a sequel this bad! Then again, right before the end credits, we’re told that mummies are soon discovered in Peru.
Damn it.
