Any Excuse To Run A Photo Of Kristen Bell | Not even a mountain of candy bars could convince UPN to bring back Veronica Mars.
What’s your position on euthanasia? I don’t mean for Fluffy, who may need a colostomy bag and kibble in the blender, but what about your other unconditional love—TV?
One of the hardest decisions in network television seems to be when to put a show out of its misery. Maybe it’s jumped the shark. Maybe it’s too expensive. Maybe nobody’s watching it. Either way, pulling the plug sucks. But these days, the demise of your favourite show isn’t always a permanent condition.
Want proof of life after death? To the time machine!
1968: Star Trek’s future hovers in the balance after a dismal second season, until its already rabid fanbase starts writing letters to NBC. It was renewed, but sent to malinger in the Friday night Death Slot, and Gene Roddenberry quit in protest. And, well, you know the rest. Takeaway message: no one can see the future, even Spock.
1983: Double-X chromosome cop drama Cagney and Lacey is axed by CBS after its freshman season. Thanks to a letter-writing campaign organized by the executive producers, CBS brought it back for another five seasons, during which it racked up 36 Emmy nominations and 14 pretty statues. Takeaway message: don’t mess with chicks.
1991: COOP (Citizens Opposed to the Offing of Peaks) lobbied ABC successfully for another six episodes to wrap up the very frayed ends of Twin Peaks. They ended up with Heather Graham as a booby prize.
2005: Fans of Star Trek: Enterprise offer to pay for production of a fourth season out of their own pockets (which run far and deep). UPN turns them down, and Scott Bakula has to put his shirt on permanently. Also that year, Family Guy is resurrected by Fox after two years on ice, after embarrassingly boffo DVD sales—the first time a show was brought back by aftermarket sales success rather than a fan campaign.
In recent years, the trend has been to shower the network offices with something other than money. The campaign to save Veronica Mars flooded CW with, yes, Mars Bars. Result: massive diabetes comas in the programming department, but no life on Mars. Fans of The 4400 have sent nearly 1000 pounds of sunflower seeds so far to the USA Network in hopes that their characters will live on.
And after a character in CBS’s Jericho cussed with “nuts” in its swan song episode, fans of the show (and the dashing Mr. Peanut) sent the network 20 tons of peanuts. Casual Friday became Anaphylactic Shock Friday. But in that case, it worked. CBS brought back the show for seven more episodes. So far, only the nuts have been watching.
But sometimes shows get cancelled before even a single episode is aired. I personally don’t understand this. You spent all the money on the pilot—you could at least put it on the air once! I’d like to propose an e-mail campaign to get networks to release a DVD collection of unrealized shows, such as:
The Dictator (1988), starring Christopher Lloyd as a former dictator of a foreign country, now living in a laundromat. This has Bush Sr./post-Gulf War written all over it.
The Singles Table (2006), about a group of strangers who are all placed at the eponymous table at a wedding. It’s like Friends who don’t have friends.
Heil Honey, I’m Home! (1990), a British 1950s sitcom send-up with Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun living next door to a Jewish couple. Uh, nuff said.
Heat Vision and Jack (1999), starring Jack Black as an ex-astronaut turned a genius as a result of a lab accident, and his talking motorcycle (voiced by Owen Wilson). No, I’m not kidding.
Hmmm, maybe some televisions shows are better left unseen. The moral of the story is: network execs don’t have a freaking clue what they’re doing. But they might get a little chunkier from efforts to revive Las Vegas and Cavemen with lobster dinners and full racks of ribs. Damn, why aren’t I in L.A. already?
