The interweb is a double-edged sword for a Canadian TV critic. Yes, it’s a vast repository of information both important and arcane. Thanks to the net, I can rewatch all of would-be American Idol Danny Noriega’s painfully neo-New Wave performances on YouTube (which I won’t), and make wallpaper with pictures of Orlando Bloom lookalike Luke Menard (which I might).
But for a Canadian Project Runway fan, the web is a treacherous place, full of vipers and potholes and pits with bamboo stakes. Yes, I’ve been spoiled. Despite the fact that there are still five episodes left in Season 4 on Slice, the finale, which aired on Bravo in the States last week, guaranteed headlines and coverage in all the entertainment mags I peruse online.
I should have known better. But asking an entertainment writer to avoid industry news and gossip is like asking a Lost fan not to go online after each episode. And now that PR has been to Bryant Park, it’s time for a new season of Top Chef to start up on Bravo. Which means it’s time to place a phone call to the Food Network here in Canada.
Me: Hi there, can you tell me when the new season of Top Chef will start on Food?
Publicist: Food Network Canada is not currently airing the new season of Top Chef.
Me: Yes, I know, it hasn’t started yet. When will it start up?
Publicist: We will be airing it within the next few months but I am unable to confirm a date at this time.
Me: Anything you can tell me in advance? Any spoilers?
Publicist: We expect this to be the best season yet.
Me: You say that every season.
Publicist: Then it must be true.
Tasty treats notwithstanding, the big question is: do spoilers ruin the TV viewing experience, or enhance it? I turn to the people around me for their perspective.
Mr. Teleprompter: “Don’t put me in your column.”
Paul M, editor extraordinaire and admitted spoiler-whore: “Is this why the column is late?”
Michelle B, CBC Radio One producer fantastico: “Is this what you’re talking about next week on Edmonton AM? Because it needs work.”
Jason T, U of A student writing his Ph.D. dissertation on geek culture (edited for laypeople): “I can see how some people like spoilers.”
Paul M: “No, really, you’re e-mailing it today, right?”
Random nameless guy on street: “What’s a spoiler? By ‘enhance,’ do you mean, like, a boob job? ’Cause I think everyone on Big Brother has to get that now before they get into the house.”
Hmmm. So far the only thing I’ve spoiled is my mood. Maybe I need to ask more people. I know, I’ll go online and ask around there.
LostBoy: “Why, what have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD????”
iluvskully42: “Is this about the XF movie? Go M/S ship forever!”
gossipgurl: “u have tv in canada? don’t the cables like freeze?”
Okay, apparently the only result of my survey about spoilers is a complete waste of my time. Maybe that’s the answer: spoilers are a waste of time. That’s valuable time I could be spending catching up on the Kurosawa retrospective on my PVR. That’s time I could spend being the last film critic in the world to see No Country for Old Men.
I know that once I’m sitting with my laptop in front of the TV and looking up Kirk Cameron on Wikipedia because that Anna Kournikova camera ad reminds me of her failed engagement to Pavel Bure, which reminds me of Valeri Bure, who married Candace Cameron, and by the way, what’s Dave Coulier doing since Skating With Celebrities and I already forgot my original point. Ten minutes later, I’m watching Christmas Poo on YouTube and already forgetting how I got there in the first place. (FYI: Kurt Browning-Brian Boitano-South Park.)
See the problem? The Internet is an evil, evil place for TV fans to congregate. At least those who hope to have a life outside the box. Good thing I’m not that kind of fan.
But if you are that kind of vidkid, check out these websites: www.spoilerfix.com; www.stillspoiled.com; www.spoilertv.blogspot.com; www.spoilerslost.com.
