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Cullen And Sullen | Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart gaze longingly at each other ... again ... in New Moon.

NEW MOON
Directed by Chris Weitz. Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner. Now playing.
**1/2

Let’s get the essentials out of the way: Yes, it’s better than Twilight. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is actually slightly more exciting than a doorknob this time, so that’s a big bonus. And Melissa Rosenberg’s script is certainly a nice cleanup of the book, which is the most stunning feat in the movie — except for Jacob’s (Taylor Lautner) abs. Jeepers! I most definitely cougar-ogled. Cougled, if you will.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, welcome back from your Siberian adventure. I’ll do a quick rewind and then we’ll deconstruct this phenomenon.

New Moon is the second entry in The Twilight Saga, penned by Stephenie Meyer and read by millions. We re-enter the misty town of Forks as Bella, our main gal, and Edward (Robert Pattinson), her main man — er, vampire — float along in a rare state of happiness. It’s Bellsy’s birthday, after all, and as far as they can tell, no one is actively trying to kill her. But as Bella opens her b-day presents at the home of the Cullens (Edward’s vamp family) she gets a paper cut. The sight and smell of fresh blood is overpowering for Edward’s brother Jasper, and he tries to bite her. The incident is too much for Edward — far too close to a dead Bella. He decides that the best way to keep his love alive is to leave and let her be.

Bella becomes an empty shell of herself, which is impressive because there wasn’t much there to begin with. While Edward’s off “protecting” her, the real danger arrives. Instead of her first love doing the saviour thing, Bella’s best friend Jacob steps up to the plate, causing some interesting changes in her jovial friend.

I’m trying to leave the mystery intact for those who still don’t know the whole story, but the thing is, I bet you do. I bet you do even if you never wanted to know one gosh darn thing about vampires and the chicks who dig them. And I think the massive popularity of The Twilight Saga is also why they’ll never be able to make a truly gobsmacking movie version.

Everything about a movie is constructed so you can sink right into them. But all the hubbub that surrounds the release of these films reminds us that what we are about to see is just that: a film, not a world unto itself. We are acutely aware Edward is actually Robert Pattinson, an aspiring musician who kind of, sort of insinuates that the Twilight movies are a little fluffy for his taste. Jacob is actually Lautner, who was 16 at the time of shooting, which should make it slightly illegal (or at least immoral) for half the audience to drool over his pecs.

You sit in the theatre not as a fan but a critic — wondering if Edward’s makeup or if the werewolves’ phases will look realistic. Every time something doesn’t quite land, a wave of giggles rolls through the theatre and every time Lautner takes off his shirt, waves of sighs follow. When my Twilight date leaned over to note that the New Moon soundtrack is rather good, I realized that even the music had taken on an inflated presence. The moments we don’t approve of — in fact, even the moments we acknowledge succeed — draw us out of the fantasy world and back into our own, which is an exceedingly less fun place to be.

The very fact that director Chris Weitz overcame these thousands of pounds of auxiliary weight to tell a story is very much to his credit. Despite some awkward, intense staring, there are scenes of genuine warmth here, especially when Bella and Jacob are just palling around. The camerawork is moody and emotive, the laughs are sweet and understated, and if we could collectively forget that Twilight is Twilight, it might really have been spectacular. As it is, New Moon is just a fan flick in werewolves’ clothing.