Let’s look back at the major events of 2008, shall we?

In January, the price of oil tops $100 a barrel for the first time, on its way to all-time record highs of $146 a barrel. By year’s end, the price falls to less-than half that. Oil company profits go from obscene to merely disgusting ... Indian car maker Tata announces it will begin selling a $2,500 car, which means anyone can afford a nice set of Tatas. ... The RCMP raids the offices of the federal Conservative party, looking for campaign financing information. They find dozens of cans of Stephen Harper’s ‘Finesse Extra Hold’ hairspray.

In February, Daryl Katz buys the Edmonton Oilers for $200 million dollars. Hopes of long-suffering Oiler fans rise with the purchase, but fall as soon as Katz indicates he’s a fan of Craig McTavish. ... William F. Buckley Jr.  dies, the last link to the words “intelligent” and “conservative”.

In March, rising food prices trigger riots in Third World countries. Here in the First World, thousands are outraged when the prices of a double-grande mocha with low-fat milk and a sprinkle of cinnamon at Starbucks rises another quarter. ... Albertans reelect the Conservatives for an 11th consecutive term. Ed Stelmach, a man with all the charisma of a plate of plain rice, wins a landslide majority. Kevin Taft becomes the seventh consecutive Alberta Liberal leader to step down, and the seventh to say: “What the hell is WRONG with you people?”

In April, actor Charleton Heston dies. Mortician says it was “surprisingly easy” to pry the gun out of his cold, dead hands.

In May, a cyclone kills more than 133,000 people. in Burma, a.k.a. Myanmar. Anybody remember this? Anybody?... Maxime Bernier resigns his federal cabinet post after leaving confidential NATO briefing documents at the home of his girlfriend, Julie Couillard. Anybody remember this? Anybody? I’ll jog your memory: remember the dress she wore to Bernier’s swearing in? Oh sure, NOW you remember.

In June, Stephen Harper apologizes to Canada’s First Nations for the infamous residential school system. Rest of Canadian public still waiting for Harper to apologize for just being Stephen Harper. ... Stephane Dion introduces his ‘Green Shift’ policy, unaware of the easy puns (‘Green Shaft’) that will destroy it. ... Bill Gates steps down as chairman of Microsoft Corporation to concentrate on giving away his billions. As a parting gift, the company kidnaps and murders that guy who plays Mac in those TV commercials.

In July, Google announces that it has indexed over one trillion unique web pages. And you’re wondering why nobody reads your blog.

In August, the Summer Olympics begins in what appears to be Beijing, China. Smog makes positive identification difficult. ... A listeriosis outbreak in Canada is linked to processed foods from a Maple Leafs plant, proof once again that having anything to do with the Maple Leafs is bad for your health.... Pirates begin their reign of terror off the coast of Somalia, hijacking cargo ships. Authorities take in Johnny Depp for questioning. He is released after promising never to make a Pirates of the Caribbean movie again.... Russia unilaterally recognizes the independence of the breakaway Georgion republics of Abkhazia and South Ossetia, leading to fears of a renewed Cold War between the West and Russia. Since there appears to be no threat to oil supplies, everybody pretty much forgets the whole thing.

In September, Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda resigns, less than a year after the guy he replaced also resigned. Frustrated, the Sony Corporation introduces the iPM, the world’s first robotic prime minister.... Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the two mortgage giants responsible for billions of U.S. housing dollars, are bailed out by the U.S. government. Americans are shocked to learn their mortgages are being held by characters out of Hee Haw.... The multibillion dollar Large Hadron Collider goes on line and actually works, or so they tell us. If it didn’t, who’d know?

In October, a global financial crisis rocks stock markets. Could it have been caused by the Hadron Collider? Sounds like as good a reason as any.... Prime Minister Stephen Harper calls an election he can’t possibly lose because his competition is Stéphane Dion. The force of Harper’s magnetic c personality leads to another minority government.

In November, Barack Obama becomes the first black president of the United States, running on a solid platform of hope and yes we can-ism. Republican challenger John McCain goes from straight talkin’ maverick to grumpy old man. Lasting legacy of the campaign is the introduction of Sarah Palin to the world, truly the world’s most hilarious politician. She’s goin’ places.

In December, Dion, Gilles Duceppe and Jack Layton announce a coalition to bring down the government, unaware that easy puns (‘The Three Stooges’) will destroy the coalition immediately. Harper managers to convince the Governor-General to prorogue parliament to give him time to celebrate Christmas with the kids at 24 Sussex. Dion resigns, and

Michael Ignatieff to becomes the new Liberal leader. Immediately launches nationwide tour to educate Canadians on how to pronounce his last name, and the world economy goes belly up. I have 1,000  useless shares in Amalgamated Perpetual Prosperity Inc. for anyone who can explain what the hell happened here.

mauricetougas@live.com