This province, man. It’s just so predictably Albertan for Alberta Agriculture to outright deny 30 per cent of our honeybees dying off this winter might possibly have any connection to the exact same percentages of pollen buzzers vanishing mysteriously around the world. Specifically, a Journal story last week noted that Alberta Agriculture “determined last year that colony collapse disorder (CCD), the mysterious ailment plaguing hives around the world, was not the problem here.” Rather, our bees are simply dogged by varroa mites and other factors like erratic temperature.

Unfortunately for the province’s narrative, varroa mites are indeed one of the major culprits in the CCD cocktail. It’s namedropped often in a deep body of university analysis, led worldwide by Dennis vanEngelsdorp, acting state apiarist for Pennsylvania’s Department of Agriculture. About the best thing you could say about the mites is that they’re only part of the assault on several fronts for the past three years, but also a larger factor since the urban legend cellphone theory was proven bunk.

The common thread running through troubling CCD is wildly different factors are bringing about the same casualty levels — devastating, especially for its environmental ripples. The reason it’s “mysterious” is because no one can pin it down to any single factor — only the result. Oh, and climate change is certainly being investigated too, speaking of “erratic weather.” Now, no one’s blaming the Tories for the overmortality. But can we really say we haven’t suffered colony collapse here? Well, of
course not.

But who’s surprised? That’s how we roll in this embarrassing province — thousands of ducks die in a whistle-blown tailings pond and Premier Stelmach floppily deflects, claiming windmills kill way more birds annually — a ridiculously wrong statistic he completely made up in his bewildered and God-loving head. So while his good people are doing their legislative best to make sure to terrorize open discussion of the birds and the bees from classrooms — in a move to hopefully make folks around here even more fucking idiotic and ill-educated and laughingstocks around the world — why not boast we’re magically immune to CCD as well? Y’know — Alberta pride! Whooo!

In a recent Ted.com talk, vanEngelsdorp still retains hope, despite the fact bees pollinate a third of the food we eat — and our $300 million hybrid canola crops in Alberta.

In the last 50 years, 90 per cent of feral bees have vanished while beekeeping has become a fringe occupation. But recent losses are on turbo. Still, vanEngelsdorp urges us to pull nature back into our lives whenever and wherever possible, which includes “meadows over lawns,” as he puts it, noting five per cent of greenhouse gases come from maintenance of lawns — or “deserts,” as he calls them.

Unfortunately in Edmonton, we have strict bylaws concerning what we can grow around our houses — things must be neatly trimmed and specifically sculpted is what it comes down to. Landscaped flower gardens must be “intentional.” Not much room there for a wild meadow. Oh, and we’re not allowed to keep bees either, like you can in provinces to the east and west (not to mention all over the world). But maybe that’s a good place to start the fight. Anyone up for it?

Or are we all too afraid of the Christian soccer mom who’ll sue us when her redundant kid who took a pass on the “heresy of natural selection” gets stung by an unrelated wasp and puffs up like a fat little
balloon?