“I give this song minus-1,000 out of 10!”
“It’s completely pointless!”
“I got really bored really fast.”
“Psych! Edelic! And totally funky!”
No, that’s not a conversation between hipsters comparing notes at Listen Records; they’re actually some of the comments SEE got back when we decided to perform a musical experiment after reading the shortlist of 10 nominees for the 2008 Polaris Music Prize—an award for “the year’s best full-length Canadian album, judged solely on artistic merit, without regard to genre or sales figures.” Over the next few months, music critics across Canada will be voting on a winner, which will be announced at a ceremony on September 29.
But we started wondering: what if the winner of the Polaris Prize wasn’t determined by an insider group of pointy-headed music nerds?
What if, instead, the voters were all preteen kids?
And once that whimsical idea got into our heads, we couldn’t shake it loose. And so, we decided to stop wondering what would happen and instead round up a bunch of kids and find out for real.
Our “Preteen Polaris Prize Panel” consisted of six kids between the ages of 10 and 12. We sat them down in the SEE office on a Saturday afternoon, loosened them up with some juice and Timbits, played them one representative song from each of the 10 Polaris-nominated albums, and asked them for their honest responses. A simple process, but we gained a lot of insights along the way, including: rap is not as popular with kids as people think; don’t let music critics eat too many gummi worms or you’ll never be able to stop them from drumming on the table; and a Stars children’s album would be a terrible, terrible idea.
But the big Stars trainwreck can wait. Instead, let’s get started by blowing out some youthful eardrums with those hard-rocking Vancouverites of Black Mountain....

BLACK MOUNTAIN,
In the Future
Song: “Stormy High”
This track’s chugging guitar riff is an immediate hit with Zack, the rockist of the bunch, who immediately launches into a spirited air guitar routine in his seat. It’s no “Iron Man,” he says, but he gives it a hearty 9 out of 10. Cole is an even bigger fan of the track, and immediately shatters our zero-to-10 rating scale by awarding it a score of 100. “It’s one of the best songs I’ve ever heard!” he raves. Even Jessica, the Led Zeppelin dabbler, likes the beat enough to give it a 7. But Anna is more skeptical: “It’s lacking in something,” she says. “It’s not complete. There’s no depth, and you can barely hear the words.”
“I could find meaning in it!” Zack argues. “They’re being chased by some witch who’s put a spell on them and is on their trail.”
The girls think Zack is being too literal-minded—“I don’t think it’s literally a witch,” says Anna. “I think you have to interpret it more.”
“Okay,” Zack replies. “Maybe it’s about a guy who’s forgotten to take out the trash and his wife is yelling at him!” Hmm... do kids still form their impression of marriage from The Flintstones?

PLANTS AND ANIMALS,
Parc Avenue
Song: “À L’Orée Des Bois”
“Is this still the same song?” asks Kass during this track’s final minute and a half, a slow, singsongy coda that sounds nothing like the laid-back melody it began with. This track has something for everyone to dislike, it seems: Cole says the words meant nothing to him and gives it a measly 1. (He’s got a point: the lyrics are pretty elliptical—once they get past the first verse, even I can’t make heads or tails of them.) Zack gives the song a 2, and says the lines near the end about “Jean-Baptiste coming to eat us all alive” make it sound like a horror movie. Kass and Jacob both give it a 2, although they did get a kick out of the “funny ending.”
The girls are a little more forgiving: Anna says she likes the music but got bored by the way the volume stayed at the same medium-loud level throughout the whole song.
It’s a 6.5 in her book. And Jessica is the song’s only true fan: she gives it a 9. “I liked the music,” she says, “and I thought the singer had a good voice. But I didn’t like that there’s no climax.”

THE WEAKERTHANS,
Reunion Tour
Song: “Virtue The Cat Explains Her Departure”
The title of this story-song from the point of view of a runaway housecat turns out to be unexpectedly controversial. “Who’d buy an album with a song with that title on it?” says market-conscious Zack, who gives the song a 4. “You’ve got to think of these things through the consumer’s eyes! In the consumer world, you’ve got to have a good name!”
An obviously exasperated Anna sticks up for the alternative point of view: “Some people are outcasts,” she says, “and they think these things are cool. Different people like different things. The name shouldn’t matter! You can’t judge a book by its cover.” That said, she’s still not wild about the song and gives it a mediocre score of 5.
Jessica already knows about The Weakerthans from listening to them with her dad. “I’ve always thought they were an interesting band,” she says, “but I agree that the title needs to draw people in more. But as long as the title is relevant to the song, it’s okay. And I like the music.” She gives them an 8.
The title doesn’t matter to Cole: he gives it a 7 because, he says, the verse about Virtue cuddling up on her owner’s chest while he sleeps “reminds me of my cat.”

CARIBOU,
Andorra
Song: “Eli”
This intricately produced piece of sunshiney electronic pop is the most divisive track of the day so far. Three of the panelists give it a perfect 10: Cole loves the pillow-soft, half-buried vocals, Jessica loves the way the lavish instrumentation and the multiple background layers “give you lots to look at” (and she gives it bonus points for “lyrics that actually mean something”), and even Zack the rockist says the track “has heart and soul,” and cites Bob Marley’s “Buffalo Soldier” as another song that proves you don’t have to be loud and aggressive to affect your listener.
But the other three jurors are left shrugging their soldiers with indifference: Kass wanted to hear the vocals more clearly and gives it a 5.5; Jacob likes the rhythms but says the vocals are “like a two-year-old whining” and gives it a 5; and Anna can’t see the point of putting lyrics into a song when you can’t understand them and thinks the whole thing would have been better as a pure instrumental. As it is, though, she gives it a 5.5.

BASIA BULAT,
Oh, My Darling
Song: “I Was A Daughter”
This offbeat bit of female-friendly alternative folk finds an unexpected champion in Jacob, who responds to the track’s edgy, unpredictable rhythms—lots of quick handclaps and military drums setting off a slower, almost gypsy-like violin melody. “It’s an awesome song!” he says, awarding it an 8. “I like that it has a fast beat.”
“I liked the rhythms too,” says Anna. “But I didn’t get the title. It didn’t make any sense to me.”
For the first time all day, Anna and Zack, two kids at the opposite ends of the alphabet, seem to be in agreement: “I liked the beat,” Zack says, “but I didn’t get this song either. And the title didn’t draw me in at all.” He gives it a 4. That seems to be the general consensus around the table: interesting rhythms but weird lyrics that not even the jurors who are daughters can wrap their heads around. “It’s an awkward song to sing,” says Jessica, who, like Cole, gives it a 5. “The lyrics are too strange.”
“Well, I like strange things,” says Anna. “I’m a strange person!” The lyrics apparently are less of a hurdle for her than they seemed at first, and she winds up giving the song a 7.

SHAD,
The Old Prince
Song: “The Old Prince Still Lives At Home”
The jury comes back from a halftime break to listen to the only hip-hop track of the afternoon, and Shad’s comical account of his cheapskate ways is a total dud with the two female panelists. “I do not like rap,” declares Jessica. “Except for Kanye West and Chris Brown, it’s completely pointless.” She gives this one a 1.
Anna isn’t willing to call this track pointless—“I think he’s sort of saying that he accepts living with his mother and being poor, but by the end he’s wishing he had more freedom”—but it still didn’t do anything for her. She’s giving it a 3, and she’s being generous.
“Of course it had a point!” Jacob counters. “It made us all want to dance!” Jacob liked everything about this song, even the bit in the middle where the music cuts out—supposedly because Shad is too cheap to pay for a sample—and gives it a 10, as do Kass and Cole, who danced along to it with Jacob. But Zack won’t have anything to do with this groundswell of Shad support—he won’t budge from his anti-rap stance and gives it a 2. Sorry, Shad: tough crowd.

STARS,
In Our Bedroom After the War
Song: “The Night Starts Here”
Oh my God, what a disaster this one was, at least with the boys: Cole began holding his hands over his ears almost immediately, while Jacob moaned, “Ugh! It’s a lullaby love story! I give it minus-1,000 out of ten!”
It’s hard to know how much of their disgust was honest and how much of it was a result of the sugar from the Timbits hitting their system, but this dreamy, starry-eyed bit of synth-pop gets the worst rankings of the afternoon. Cole gives it a zero, Kass hated the wimpy melody and hated it even more when the electric guitar kicked in and gives it a 0.5 (which he then downgrades to a 0.1), and Zack gives it a zero, saying it “sounds insane” and comparing it to a Britney Spears track. “If I had this album,” he says, “I’d stomp on it!”
“If I had this song on my iPod,” Jacob says, “I’d stomp on my iPod!”
Anna rolls her eyes at Zack’s comment—she doesn’t think it sounds anything like Britney, although she does agree with Jessica that it’s definitely too repetitive. “The way they keep singing ‘The night starts here’ really bugged me,” she says, “but it’ll definitely get stuck in your head.” Like Jessica, she gives it a 6... and pointedly observes that the song is obviously meant for an audience other than a bunch of hyperactive 10-year-old boys. Critics’ feud!

HOLY FUCK,
LP
Song: “Milkshake”
Don’t worry: we bleeped out the band name... although our PG-rated audience seemed to know what word we were leaving out anyway.
This roof-rattling instrumental from Toronto’s loudest electronic band did nothing for Anna, who has established herself as the panel’s most discerning critical voice. “I got really bored really fast,” she says in a deadpan worthy of Simon Cowell. “The rhythm was cool, but it was too repetitive. If it had a picture or a video with it, it might have worked better, but on its own, it doesn’t feel complete.” She gives it a 2. Kass gives it a 5 for simpler reasons—he just didn’t think the song did a good job of explaining why it was called “Milkshake.”
But the title made total sense to Jessica, who gives it a 9: “The rhythm is all shaken up!” she says. The rest of the panel loves the song too: “It’s got bing!” says Jacob. “It’s awesome music—much better than that lullaby love story!” (Say, did we mention how much Jacob hated that Stars song?) Cole gives it a 9, docking it a point for being a little repetitive; and Zack gives it a perfect 10. “Psych! Edelic!” he enthuses. “And totally funky!” Holy Fuck, are you listening? There’s your next blurb.

KATHLEEN EDWARDS,
Asking For Flowers
Song: “Scared At Night”
Jacob, who’s getting less and less shy about voicing his opinions as the day goes on, makes a point of snoring loudly through the first verse of this alt-country ballad—but he does perk up at the gruesome part in the second verse where Edwards mentions a cat getting shot through the eye and being able to see its brains. He and Kass give the song a 2 solely on the strength of its gore content; otherwise, we probably would’ve seen a couple of zeroes getting handed out.
Zack, meanwhile, surprises us again with the flexibility of his tastes by giving this track a 7—“It sure isn’t a lullaby, though,” he says, referring to Jacob’s dismissive description of the song. “A cat gets its brains blown out! How are you supposed to sleep after hearing that?”
It’s an interesting thing: there’s something about this song that commands the jury’s respect, even if they’re not necessarily country fans. “It’s not a song I’d ordinarily get—I’m not a slow kind of person,” says Anna, who nevertheless gives it a 7. “The lyrics are strange, and I don’t know what the singer was thinking when she put in that part about the cat,” says Jessica, “but it’s a good song and she has a good voice.” Jessica gives it an 8. And Cole, the hard-rocking KISS fan, quietly gives it a 10. “It’s gory and sad,” he says. A rare combination in pop music.

TWO HOURS TRAFFIC,
Little Jabs
Song: “Stuck For The Summer”
This angular, catchy little gem from the Charlottetown pop combo is probably the most accessible track of the afternoon, and sure enough, it gets good reviews right across
the board.
Anna, the pop-punk fan, gives it a 9.5, and says it’s the only song of the day that she could see adding to her iPod. Jessica—the most lyric-conscious of the bunch—gives it a 9 and praises the band for how the words all make sense. Kass and Zack both give it a 10: Kass loves the beat and the rhythm, while market-savvy Zack loves how the title connects with the words and thinks the band name ties it all together into a complete package.
Cole is the only naysayer—“I didn’t like the way they keep saying
‘Anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway,’” he says. “It really got annoying”—but Jacob points out that all that repetition makes the song really easy to memorize. He’s been handing out nothing but zeroes and 10s for
a while now, and this one gets another 10.

MEET THE JURY!

ANNA LaFRENIÈRE
Age: 12
Interests: Ringette, inline hockey, basketball. Also plays piano.
Musical Tastes: “I’m a really big music fan. I like Avril Lavigne, Green Day, Hedley, Blink-182.... punk-pop stuff.”
Concerts Attended: Hilary Duff

COLE SIEBEN
Age: 10
Interests: “I’m a big fan of sports.... My dad has season tickets to the Eskimos.” Also plays piano.
Musical Tastes: “KISS, rock, every single band on Guitar Hero.”
Concerts Attended: None

JACOB SCHWARTZ
Age: 10
Interests: Soccer, ball hockey
Musical Tastes: Rock, rap, “everything except classical and blues.” Also a fan of Hawk Nelson.
Concerts Attended: None. “Well, I went to my brother’s concert once. He plays in a band at school.”

JESSICA GILLESPIE
Age: Just turned 13
Interests: Gymnastics, piano, guitar.
Musical Tastes: “Pretty much everything. The Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana... but those aren’t really adult bands. I like some of my Dad’s music—like Ryan Adams, The Beatles, some Led Zeppelin songs as well.”
Concerts Attended: Avril Lavigne. “I was also at the Juno Awards when they were in Edmonton.”

KASS TARNAWSKY
Age: 10
Interests: Soccer
Musical Tastes: Rock, rap
Concerts Attended: That giant Kanye West/Rihanna/N.E.R.D./Lupe Fiasco spectacular that recently rolled through town.

ZACK McCLELLAND
Age: 11
Interests: Bike-riding
Musical Tastes: “I listen to music all the time. AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, lots of classic rock. I hate rap, though. I detest it. Rock is better than rap. It came first, and it’s not so repetitive.”
Concerts Attended: None yet. “If KISS came through town, I’d like to go see them.”