You know how sometimes you watch your friends slip into terrible relationships—no one likes the new guy/gal, but what can you do, really? That’s exactly what all this “new arena” bullshit feels like to me. It’s total nonsense on the level of blind patriotism. Just look at who’s the most excited about the idea: braying idiots who need “a building” to act as some sort of cultural guide dog for them.

This propaganda narrative was first forced on us by the Journal—conveniently financially tied to the Oilers. Their fine editorial work has helped promote what is no longer a question of “if” but “where” Rexall’s replacement will be dumped in our city’s ill-designed, wind-tunnel core. Last week’s Lyle Best-headed report names six potential goon-dumps for the new rink. None of these spots—largely pimpling a map of 104 Avenue—seriously considers the incumbent turdpool of traffic congestion and gang-drunk invasion troubles the media will be writing headlines about for the rest of time. It’s happened before.

Just like when the Sun made fun of us all for not partying as hard as Calgary during the ’06 playoffs, then had the nerve to pooh-pooh the resulting fever and equate the burning of wood pallets to urban terrorism when it was cowardly pigs who destroyed the scene, not legit celebrating fans. 

The number-one pick for the fresh nucleus of such awesome activity is right on Jasper, according to the report, near where Oil Shitty Roadhouse already pollutes the street with the most seriously stupid people I have ever seen abuse each other—a great many of them in the new Oilers uniform, and most just dumb enough to fight the cops. 

Yet this shiny, assuredly tacky new building—that for no good reason has given hope to our finest Hi-Q boosters and bloggers—must come. I read one person’s argument, no lie, that claimed a new arena would “make the food better” at Oilers games. Because you need a $500 million building in order to make that happen. Really. Chalk the same argument up to the similar numb claims of magical revitalization. How? Because after all the gouging for parking, food, and beers that already cost most of 10 bucks each—never mind freshly jacked-up ticket prices—I doubt anyone’s going to head right to the closest art gallery or fine restaurant. 

This new arena is, entirely, a case of stupid Bill-Smith-style boosterism. And we the public were baited easily with devastating “facts” like “our arena is too old.” Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto is currently home to squatting pigeons based on similar logic. I’m not a Toronto fan, but that’s a building with some fantastic ghosts and serious history that now play to spider colonies. Built in 1931, the building served its team just fine for seven decades. You’re telling me the shrine where Gretz worked out with Lord Stanley’s prize needs to be demolished after less than half that time? That the $4 million new dressing room is already outdated after just one year? That the burgers really will taste better if they’re made downtown?

This whole thing stinks. It’ll set up another downtown dead zone when it’s not in use. In terms of the waste it will produce, It’s environmentally ridiculous. And it pays zero respect to the functioning shrine of a holy team that could not only make the playoffs, but went on to win the Cup now and then. It is a trick to steal money and it worked. Mr. Katz—pending his approval—has pledged $100 million, and our good-minded mayor claims the other $400 mil won’t pull a cent from tax dollars... 

Except, of course, in all the new police protection real downtown buildings will require from now on. Except, of course, the surrounding infrastructure required to plug this thing into the city and make it run. Except, of course, the cost to clean up the mess of puke and litter and broken windows that shall stray diligently in little wormwood streams away from Rexall II. Increasing property values with every street-chucked recyclable, of course, just how the old Coliseum totally revitalized the area around Northlands during another forgotten boom.

Tax dollars will end up paying for some of it, no matter what the mayor says. You watch. Already the embedded op-eds are saying the team might leave if we don’t shell out. Because that just makes sense.

You want to revitalize downtown? Make parking free, like the malls. That’s been the obvious secret for 20 years.