Edmonton's Ultimate Gay Bar: An Artist's Rendering | Oh dreamy, creamy Babylon, when will you arrive?
Ever since The Roost closed on New Year’s Eve, we’ve been impatiently tapping our toes, awaiting a new, sexy gay bar to take its place, welcome us all to a nonstop, debauchery-laden dancefloor. Alas, since The Powers That Be seem to be taking their sweet-ass time with any hope of a sparkly new GLBT-friendly club, we decided to poll some friends—no realistic notions required—and see what they’d like this fantasy club to look like... and whether straights should be allowed inside. Behold: SEE’s Ultimate Gay Ol’ Time.
Nathan Cuckow (actor/playwright, Bash’d)
My dream gay bar would be shaped like a giant cock. At the base, a nice set of low-hanging balls (shaved, of course). The entrance would look like an asshole and everyone would have to push through the sphincter to get inside to party. The main dance floor would play ’80s dance pop like Madonna’s “Like a Virgin,” reminding people to get “touched for the very first time.”
For men, there would be a room at the back called The G Spot where dudes can get their freak on. Women would have a room called The Clit. There would be pool tables for the bull dykes and fancy martinis for the femmes. The second floor would play more contemporary dance hits like Britney Spears’ “Gimme More” and everyone would do the bad Britney dance from the MTV Awards.
Of course straight people should be allowed! What kind of question is that? Segregation does nothing but encourage stupid generalizations and stereotypes. In my opinion, anyone who wants to go to a gay bar shaped like a giant cock and balls should be welcomed.
Matthew Gratton (urban studies student)
New bar? Just keep it Gloria Gaynor-free, that’s all I ask. With a rooftop patio, a big stage for some quality entertainment, and maybe some swanky new decor. Throw in a few distinct rooms—maybe one for dancing, one for quieter conversations—and you’re practically there. I’d go with some sort of outer space theme for 21st-century flair. (Insert Uranus joke here.) While some might miss the (ahem) interesting cuisine at The Roost, let’s skip that.
And frankly, anyone who would want to be there should be let in. Do we really want it to be another Bar le Stud? I say the more the merrier! A membership requirement isn’t a bad idea—guests permitted, of course. If you didn’t want to go that route, a trivia question might suffice (“Name the U.S. Senator arrested in an airport bathroom on suspicion of lewd conduct,” for instance).
Nick Green (actor/playwright)
I find this to be a difficult issue to take a stance on because, like many members of the community, I simultaneously hate and love queer bars. (Or at least I say that I do.) Still, there’s plenty I would love to see in a queer bar that we don’t already have.
As you can tell by my liberal use of the word “queer,” a feeling of inclusiveness is a must. As for the building itself, I want extreme! Expensive lights! Tall ceilings and lots of levels! I don’t know... a catwalk or something! A bar that has a lineup not because it’s the only one in town but because it’s an experience beyond hopefully finding a life partner and/or a hubba-hubba good time.
As for a queer-exclusive policy, not at my bar. While I would probably check out a gay-boys-only bar, the bar I want to frequent is one where I can bring my friends, who happen to be mostly straight girls. (I know—weird, right?) The extra-long lines bite, especially when you see “tourists” walking in ahead of you with their opposite-sex lovers on their arm, but if that means I can bring my wicked friends in to dance with me, then I’ll wait! I also want to point out that it’s hard to make any strides towards acceptance if we don’t let anyone into our ghetto.
Todd Janes (artistic director, Latitude 53)
The subject reminds me of this internet video (pre-YouTube) that involved intermediate animation and cats playing a German song called “Gay Bar.”
But onto your questions: I think of the building that overlooks the river valley that used to be the old Edmonton Club, now A.D. Williams Engineering, is in the space—it’s two floors that overlook the river valley with a great big deck and lots of dancefloor. Now that The Roost has closed, it’s like when Flashback closed—we’re filled with nostalgia and a sense that nothing will ever be that good again. I have some great memories of both places, but things evolve and so do people. I envision a place that is well programmed—that is what Edmonton seems to be missing—a club with a real budget for programming for DJs and live acts: the hype will follow. It should aspire to be fabulous, to be daring, to blow away your mind at least four times a month.
Should straight people be allowed? I find this question offensive. I cannot tolerate intolerance. Of course anyone who wants to go to a queer-identified place should be able to go. I think we have all gone past the time of exclusive spaces and sitting at the back of the bus only. However, this
