This week’s 50bucker gets trapped in retail hell for an entire workday, and learns to love it

8:00 A.M.: $3, Coffee And Bagel

Taunted by ads for 77-cent leaf lettuce and cheap cheese, I make a pilgrimage to the South Edmonton Common Wal-Mart early Saturday morning. Blinded by the intense overhead lighting and the plethora of blue-vested Wal-Martians, I retreated to common ground right inside the door, ducking into Tim Hortons for a herb and garlic bagel and medium English toffee coffee, figuring if all else fails, I’ll use my breath to clear a path through the crowd. 

8:30 A.M.: $17, Adult
“Special” Haircut

Suspecting that my dual layer haircut is quickly turning into a mullet, I take the plunge and duck in for one of these advertised Adult Special Haircuts. Reassured by my hairdresser that she’ll just “clean it up and blow it out,” I emerge looking slightly less mullety, and a little more... let’s say Shania.

10:30 A.M.: $15, White Capris

There’s something changing in me, and I think I like it! These poofy bangs are liberating! So what if you can see my panty line and muffin top in these bad-boy capris? They would look so cute with one of those little “I used to be a bandana but now I’m a shirt” shirts! And a cowboy hat! Oh my God! I bet they have cowboy hats in the city block of women’s clothing they’ve got in here. Also, I love that I can carry around an ice cream sandwich while clothes shopping.

Noon: $2, Eye Drops

My eyes are starting to burn from the overhead lights and I really need to pee. I’m also getting hungry and the cashier is looking suspicious that I keep buying one item at a time. It’s also hard to breathe in here. 

1:30 P.M.: $6,
McChicken Meal

I grab the Edmonton Sun and linger over my McChicken and iced tea, wondering if I should get a pie or two, and thinking that this place definitely makes me hungry. The sight of three consecutive sets of cankles propels me into the produce department. Don’t ask me to explain.

2:30 P.M.: $6.50, A Kiwi, Three Apples, And Caramel Apple Dipping Sauce

I can’t deny it: they have great produce here. I then head over to the electronics department to read the backs of all the good looking Xbox games. I contemplate getting my taxes done at H&R Block, getting my hearing and eyesight checked, and possibly building a teddy bear while I’m here, but I settle on convincing an 11-year-old boy that I’m good at Rock Band.

5:30 P.M.: 50 cents, Fake
Tattoo

My boyfriend comes to pick me up and looks shocked when he finds me staring at fishing rods and sniffing cheese-scented bait. He spits on his palm and smoothes down my bangs. I feel oddly... well, deflated. This small band of barbed wire applied to arm on the way out the door makes me feel better. And way more hardcore.

Wanna try it? Send your idea for 50Buck to stories@see.greatwest.ca.