It’s nearly midnight. I have 50 bucks in my pocket, a mission, and a dilemma.
My friends are getting married on the weekend and I need to find the perfect wedding gift to see them off into the happy realm of marital bliss. The dilemma: I find myself trapped in the west end ghetto of Stony Plain Road between 149 and 163 Streets.
Don’t bother asking how I wound up in this predicament because that, dear reader, is a secret I will take to my grave. However, I will tell you what a person can buy on this nasty stretch of road that will make the perfect wedding present for old friends tying the knot.
11:56 p.m.: Wee Book Inn
It seems sensible to avoid purchasing stereotypical wedding gifts like crock pots and blenders. Instead, I will focus on what everyone believes to be the best part of marriage: the honeymoon. The soon-to-be newlyweds will ring in their new legal status with a week of hedonistic Central American excess. Unfortunately they face 14 hours of flight time during the trip. To help kill the boredom, I purchase two novels: Before He Wakes by Jerry Bledsoe for the bride and Norman Mailer’s An American Dream for the groom. Cost: $7.35.
12:14 a.m.: XXX Centrefold
The only businesses open in this neighbourhood after midnight are porn shops and seedy pubs. The pubs are useless to me right now, but I purchase a few items from the sex store to make sure their marital sex life gets off on the right foot. I settle on a tongue-shaped vibrator called the “Tongue Teaser” for the beautiful bride. Unfortunately, my budget won’t allow the purchase of another toy for the groom. Luckily there is still reasonably affordable visual stimulation, and nothing screams “matrimonial monogamy” like a random pick from the VHS bargain bin. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Cost: $36.65
12:22 a.m.: 7/11
This is the only place left open on the street that isn’t a bar or a masturbatorium. I have $6 remaining in my budget, and so far I have all my bases covered. I have literature for the plane ride, and marital aids for the hotel room. All that’s left is safety. Condoms are too expensive (and they won’t need them once they’re married anyway, right?) so I bought a container of old-school Vaseline and 100 mL of no-name-brand antiseptic. You can never be too careful. I also must warn you, dear reader, that it can be quite awkward purchasing skin grease and disinfectant. Those two items together can only mean about six different things, and for middle-aged Asian night clerks none of them are good. Cost: $4.81
12:41 a.m.: Giant Tiger parking lot
As I walk past the empty parking lot at 150 St and Stony Plain Road, I decide to spend the remaining money on a charitable donation. I approach a bum in a torn windbreaker and say, “Here. My friends are sex fiends, but they’re good people and they want you to have this.” Cost: $1.19
There’s a part of me that thinks that what I’ve accumulated might make a better stag gift, but there’s no time to debate that right now. Sometimes you just have to get down to business. I only hope this provokes some dirty business in Mexico next week. I’ll have to remind them that this won’t be allowed as a carry-on piece of luggage. Pre-boarding screening officers have a terrible fear of commitment.
Wanna try it?
Send your idea for 50Buck to
stories@see.greatwest.ca.
