A friend of mine, after being involved with a man for over a year, found out a little detail about him he had failed to mention up to that point: he’s an alcoholic.
Oops!
When she’d met him he wasn’t drinking. He told her a doctor had told him to take a break because of a health problem. She thought it odd but didn’t push the issue. Six months into the relationship he decided the “break” was over and started drinking. My friend figured he knew what he was doing. He didn’t drink all the time, but when he did, she saw a change in him she didn’t like. He became overbearing and oblivious to others.
It made her nervous. She even asked him at one point if he had a drinking problem. He flatly denied it.
Through his friends and family she has found out the truth. It was a crushing realization because she still felt great love for this man. She imagined a life with him. She went between believing they could face this problem together and continue in a more honest relationship now that the truth was out, and the more realistic vision that she could not save him or the relationship, that she had to let go and move on.
We all edit the person we are in an effort to be the person we think our partner would rather us be, especially when we’re just starting out. After all, why go into all your bad habits on the first date? You wanna hold back on at least some of your less-than-attractive attributes to keep things interesting and challenging down the road.
And most of us also don’t immediately question whether the person we’ve just met has any dead bodies in the basement or a secret heroin addiction. Love and suspicion seem so contradictory.
So how can you protect yourself from someone who deliberately leaves out important information that could have an effect on you or the relationship?
As a precaution, many couples go the “no secrets” route. They think that nothing short of total honesty in a relationship is the only way to go. And they don’t stop until they drive themselves crazy with discovery and dig up every little detail they can.
Me, I think some secrets are worth keeping.
I don’t think your partner needs to hear about every person you’ve slept with, or every crush you’ve had or have, or about the occasional fantasy you’ve had about sleeping with his or her brother, unless you decide to act on it.
But jeez, surely they deserve to know if you’re an alcoholic or if your wife knows whether you’re out on a date, don’t they?
So when is honesty the best policy in a relationship? If things are serious and you’re headed into happily-ever-after together, I think you deserve to know the following about your partner:
• If they cheat on you.
• Their financial details (income, bankruptcies, any mob-related debts).
• Their future goals and how he feels about kids, religion and Friends reruns.
In the “okay secrets to keep” file, I’d put:
• Private fantasies (as long as they aren’t acted upon... unless they want to include you)
• What they do when they’re in the bathroom.
• What he really thinks of your widening arse.
• Casual flirtations and innocent lunches with friends of the opposite sex.
Obviously, it’s in the liar’s interest to keep certain big secrets. Telling the truth would mean having to face it and their partner’s reaction to it. Much easier to go the “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” route.
Well, after seeing my friend after she learned her guy’s little secret, I can tell you, that’s bull. Because the truth eventually comes out and it usually hurts more. My friend was in huge pain, pain that surely could have been curtailed if he’d been straight with her from Day One. Well, maybe not Day One, but surely as soon as he realized things were getting serious. It’s only fair.
She might very well have still got involved and they may well have still have broken up, but at least she wouldn’t have felt like such a fool, questioning how she could be so naïve as not to know what was going on, and she wouldn’t have had to leave this relationship feeling like she could never trust a man again.
And that’s the truth.
