Apparently ostrich testicles are more effective than Viagra. I’m pretty sure I’ll never find out. Eating ostrich testicles is up there on my to-do list right after licking floor. Oh yeah, and I don’t have a penis to prove it on. But given the claim comes from the author of The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls, which contains recipes for everything from Testicle Pizza to Bull Testicles with Béchamel Sauce, I figure he’s probably good for it.

According to Ljubomir Erovic, testicles are loaded with testosterone, earning them a centuries-long reputation as an aphrodisiac. And they’re a delicacy in his home country of Serbia.

But Serbians aren’t the only fans. The Chinese believed that eating testicles on a regular basis boosts a man’s libido and cures impotence. The ancient Greeks thought that eating sheep’s testicles before battle makes a man stronger. And the Romans believed that eating the testicles of a healthy animal will cure health problems with a man’s own testicles.

Erovic, who has been cooking balls for 20 years, says the tastiest testicles come from bulls, stallions, ostriches, and sheep. Boar testicles, he says, are crap. Again, I’m just going to have to take his word for it. But given Erovic is also the founder, organizer, and driving force behind The World Testicle Cooking Championship (ballcup.com), which has been held annually in Serbia since 2004, he no doubt knows his balls.

Chefs attend the Championship from countries including Serbia, the Republic of Srpska (I’ve never heard of it, either), Greece, Finland, Norway, Hungary, and Australia. It’s also made the Guinness Book of Records as the event where a record amount of testicles are prepared. Imagine one metric tonne of balls.

If you’re at a loss as to how to prepare testicles, not exactly something you learn in home ec class, the book includes a video that demonstrates how to peel and slice your balls.

The ingredients for Testicle Pizza include cheese, onion, pepper, bacon, and bull’s testicles. “It’s Italian pizza with Serbian balls,” explains Erovic. His recipe for omelet with calf testicles starts, “Remove fine veins from the testicles and put them in boiling water for 2-3 minutes.” Yum.

But the book also contains more cordon bleu recipes, such as Calf Testicles in Wine (white or red but not sweet) and Testicles with Bourguignon Sauce.

And in case you’re not sure how to serve your balls, Erovic offers suggestions such as serving homemade dry white wine with good music before and after your meal. Frankly, I’d need several gallons of wine before the meal before even considering chowing down on some testes.

Of course, because the idea of serving “balls” doesn’t exactly make one’s mouth water, they’ve come up with more delicate names like “Animelles,” which is the culinary term for testicles — in particular lamb testicles. They are also known in various parts of the world as Bulls’ Jewels, Cowboy Caviar, Montana Tender Groin, Organ Meat, Rocky Mountain Oysters and, my personal fave, Swinging Beef.

Oh, and in case you didn’t know, the pig castration season is May or June.

If the idea of Battered Testicles, Testicle Pie or Testicle Goulash whets your appetite, you can download the multimedia e-Book at yudu.com. Just don’t invite me for dinner. I don’t plan on licking floor anytime soon.

Breaking Up Is Easy To Do

Remember Berger dumping Carrie via Post-It on Sex and the City and Carrie Underwood spilling the beans over her text breakup with Chace Crawford? Well, seems breakup Post-Its and texts are so five minutes ago.

Now, your breakup can have its own soundtrack or visual aids via OUTSHOUTS.

OUTSHOUTS.com lets you record a break-up intro message with your webcam or phone and combine it with any Web video or song. For instance, you could break up by sending an OUTSHOUT with one of Dan and Serena’s breakup scenes from Gossip Girl or set it to Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around Comes Around.”

And, just to humiliate your dumpee a little further, why not dump their ass publicly by embedding your OUTSHOUT on your MySpace or Facebook profile? Call me old-fashioned, but frankly, I think I’d rather eat sheep balls.