The Rock Bible:  Unholy Scripture for Fans & Bands
By Henry Owings. Quirk Books. 144 pp. $15.95. 
****

There once was an alt-weekly editor who wished there was a good how-to textbook for local bands, one that would answer all their nagging questions about getting ink on these pages. Despite the editor’s altruistic best efforts, there just wasn’t enough space to cover everyone all the time.

The bands said things like:

“Can I come drop off a CD?”

“Will you cover my first show ever? It’s at the Library.”

“This time I’m releasing an album! Now, I don’t have the official copy, but here’s a burned copy one with all my info written in sharpie...” (Sigh.)

And yea, one day, a book was dropped on the editor’s desk that took her breath away — mostly with some punch-in-the-gut, harsh but sage advice not only for said bands and musicians, but also for music writers, fans, and anyone who ever claimed to follow the gospel of rock.

Written in the ever-irreverent style of Chunklet magazine — most notorious for taking the piss out of pretty much everyone in music, even the bands they like — The Rock Bible is a tract complied by Henry Owings et al. that might do all musicians and the people who have to put up with them a bit of good, nevermind that it’s simply entertaining as hell (because rock is the music of the

devil, duh).

This faux leather-bound tract has a chapter of Biblical-style psalms dedicated to schooling each member of your classic four- or five-piece rock band (The Gospel According to the Drummer is particularly funny), gospels for the fans and crew,  a Book of Revelation which explains how to spot the arrival of the horsemen of the Arockalypse, where the emergence of Youtuberius and the Buddyheaded Pitchforkagon signal the end to the true values of rock and reviewing. (Music journalists know how to make fun of themselves too!)

Instead of preaching from my desk pulpit, I’ll let The Good Word speak for itself. It’s only right. Here are some of the tasty verses of wisdom, handily numbered, from The Rock Bible.

From The Gospel According to the Drummer:
58 The drummer should always laugh boisterously (and secretly be plotting revenge) when the guitarist or singer tells a drummer joke.
72 When you’re sleeping with a groupie, remember that when her eyes are closed she’s thinking of being with another band member.
From The Gospel According to the Guitar and Bass Players:
49 It is never permissible to smash an acoustic instrument unless you’ve grabbed it from some hippie busker on the street. Smashing an instrument is a reward for rocking out, and acoustic instruments do not rock that hard.
From The Gospel According to the Singer:

36 Never put anything thrown onstage in your mouth.
And my favourite, from The Gospel According to the Fans, which contains a special section devoted to “Critics and Other Heathens”:
100 Music editors are not frustrated musicians; they are fans who have cleverly figured out how to get free records.

There once was an alt-weekly editor who wished there was a good how-to textbook for local bands, one that would answer all their nagging questions about getting ink on these pages. Despite the editor’s altruistic best efforts, there just wasn’t enough space to cover everyone all the time.

The bands said things like:

“Can I come drop off a CD?”

“Will you cover my first show ever? It’s at the Library.”

“This time I’m releasing an album! Now, I don’t have the official copy, but here’s a burned copy one with all my info written in sharpie...” (Sigh.)

And yea, one day, a book was dropped on the editor’s desk that took her breath away — mostly with some punch-in-the-gut, harsh but sage advice not only for said bands and musicians, but also for music writers, fans, and anyone who ever claimed to follow the gospel of rock.

Written in the ever-irreverent style of Chunklet magazine — most notorious for taking the piss out of pretty much everyone in music, even the bands they like — The Rock Bible is a tract complied by Henry Owings et al. that might do all musicians and the people who have to put up with them a bit of good, nevermind that it’s simply entertaining as hell (because rock is the music of the devil, duh).

This faux leather-bound tract has a chapter of Biblical-style psalms dedicated to schooling each member of your classic four- or five-piece rock band (The Gospel According to the Drummer is particularly funny), gospels for the fans and crew,  a Book of Revelation which explains how to spot the arrival of the horsemen of the Arockalypse, where the emergence of Youtuberius and the Buddyheaded Pitchforkagon signal the end to the true values of rock and reviewing. (Music journalists know how to make fun of themselves too!)

Instead of preaching from my desk pulpit, I’ll let The Good Word speak for itself. It’s only right. Here are some of the tasty verses of wisdom, handily numbered, from The Rock Bible.

Despite the ironic truth to a lot of what goes on in this book, no one’s supposed to take all these verses seriously. I mean, who really takes The Bible seriously? It’s all about interpretation — it’s about taking these little parables as lessons, as reminders of what rock morals are really all about. Note: the book is definitely about “rock” — if you’re looking for hip hop advice, I suggest you try Kanye’s new album. But if you’ve ever been in a band, known anyone in a band, or even tried to write a record review, you could walk away from this book with a renewed faith in rock and its devoted, hairy followers.