SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE
Directed by Nancy Meyers
Starring Diane Keaton, Jack Nicholson
Now playing
***1/2 (out of five)

When an irresistible force

Such as you

Meets an old immovable object like me

You can bet as sure as you live

Something gotta give

Something gotta give

Something gotta give

Or an uncomfortable impasse, more likely. Something’s Gotta Give is supposed to be a refreshing twist on the romantic comedy genre, a commentary on Hollywood’s unhealthy obsession with youthful beauty and a celebration of the older woman, but it kind of falls short, despite the Oscar-baiting pairing of Jack Nicholson with Diane Keaton.

Instead, it’s wish fulfillment for chubby confirmed bachelors who are finding that, as they age, their tastes for young women not so easy to sate. When the going gets tough, they finally attain "maturity" in choosing women their own age, who despite their age (eeew!) are able to, like, have a job and talk and do stuff. These broads have been forcibly celibate for decades after their husbands dump them for young crumpets, so the old codgers also get to live out a moldy old rescue fantasy. Well, congratulations! You’re not doing anyone a favour.

Diane Keaton looks fantastic, the audience will say. She’s just shy of 60, but would you look at her! And you do, because she’s got a full frontal scene, almost right off the bat. No grease on the lens; what you see is exceptionally well-kept middle age. FAN-TAS-TIC. But the same could not be said for Nicholson, whose saggy bare bum is one of the lamest running jokes ever. Sorry. I correct myself: actually, the dumb Viagra joke is.

Harry is a confirmed bachelor with a taste for much-younger women, and here he is portrayed by Jack Nicholson, a lifelong player and an unlikely hip hop record company exec with a taste for much-younger women. Harry is dating Marin Barry (Amanda Peet), a 29-year-old auctioneer for Christies–hardly the "uncomplicated" chickie that he describes, indiscriminate perhaps but hardly naïve.

Marin has brought him back to her mother’s Hamptons beach house, and–surprise!–mom shows up, along with her ballsy Aunt Zoe (Frances McDormand). Erica Barry is an accomplished playwright, accomplished enough to have a Hamptons beach house. Harry has a heart attack, and the prescription from Dr. Keanu Reeves (!!) is plenty of rest. At the Hamptons beach house. The way Harry rubs her the wrong way predicts their blossoming romance, and so Harry lures her into bed. She bursts into tears and so does he. Of course he does–commitment-phobes are the biggest cowards of them all, boo hoo. He runs off to the city.

"I don’t know how to be a boyfriend," he says. Like we’re supposed to feel sorry for him! Of course he knows how to be a boyfriend. Anyone who watches the movies knows how to be a boyfriend. It’s just that he can’t or won’t be a good boyfriend, that’s what.

Supposedly older women never get that lucky. Watching Erica watching two elderly ladies shopping makes her sad, thinking that’s her lonely fate she’ll share with her women’s studies professor sister Zoe. But wait: wouldn’t that be really, really great? And what of the countless men who DO know how to be good boyfriends?

Keanu Reeves gives a rare human-like performance as the cardiologist. The man is verrrry good at looking like he’s crazy in love with Keaton, he’ll make you melt in your shoes, he’s so focused. And handsome, even though he is nearly forty. I mean, come on! Erica is clearly a fool to fuss about musty old Harry.

Something’s Gotta Give is a nice enough romance. Everyone does a good job. But let’s not kid ourselves: it’s hardly revolutionary. In the real world, middle-aged men date middle-aged women ALL THE TIME. Watch Laurel Canyon, now there’s a May-December love story that’ll put a bee in your bonnet.