This may be a sweeping generalization, but I assume that since you live in the North Pole’s frozen tundra, you must be a fan of the game of hockey. Considering that the Edmonton Oilers are the most northern of NHL hockey teams, I also presume that they are your favourite team.

This Christmas season, please grant the Oiler franchise–the executives, the coaches, the players, and the fans (including yourself)–a few tokens of goodwill... and some good scoring opportunities.

I’d like to start by asking for the obvious: a better dental plan for Ethan Moreau. It’s apparent that his plan does not cover front teeth, of which he is in dire need of two.

I am not sure whether you’d classify the Oiler GM as naughty or nice this year (he is a tad sneaky, yet intriguing at the same time), however I think he deserves a sizable cash donation. I promise it will have joyful and triumphant results for many good little boys and girls. Since Comrie has moved to Philly, Lowe’s anticipated 2.5 million dollar Christmas player payroll bonus has vanished. Not only will a few extra millions enable Kevin to happily purchase another player, but the fans could for once look forward to the second half of the season and perhaps even the play-offs.

With the money leftover from the 2.5 million you have graciously "donated" to the Edmonton Oilers’ cause, perhaps Kevin Lowe could finally afford to buy Craig Simpson the best-selling (in selected North American cities) Power-Plays For Dummies. Although it is sold out in many NHL cities (i.e. Detroit, Philly, Ottawa, and Colorado), I am quite certain he will find a copy either here or on the road in Chicago (January 4th) or New York State (January 8th). After finishing that read, Lowe could not only share his knowledge of the book with his players, he would finally be free to complete writing "Why I Should Never Have Left the Broadcast Booth," the closing chapter of his NHL career memoirs.

Hopefully, together with the newly-purchased Oiler and the on-the-road bedtime stories, the Oilers can start the New Year with a healthy power-play and a prosperous winning streak. I know our team has had one or two before, but I promise you that this one will not be a thrown away, neglected or ruined after a week or two. It will be coveted. I promise.

I think Tommy Salo could use a trampoline for Christmas, for two reasons: 1) it will teach him how to bounce back, and 2) it will re-familiarize him with the practice of getting up quickly once he’s fallen down. Please grant him this one inexpensive gift, or else it will cost the Oilers in the form of a new (and expensive) contract for Ty Conklin.

Could you please supply Dvorak, Semenov, and Smyth with a plain yet very expensive set of fine china. Hopefully, this gift will facilitate an understanding that quality (skilled, smart shots) and not quantity (many poor shots) makes for a good product.

I will not ask you for the Stanley Cup, as others deserve it more than the Oilers. If, however, Jason Smith and the rest of the Oilers are "good" next year, perhaps we can reconsider.

Please grant the Oilers these gifts. I promise they will spread cheer among many.

Thank you, Santa.

Jacqueline