SEE Magazine
Issue #393: June 14, 2001
Copyright © 2001. All Rights Reserved

At The Back MY MESSY BEDROOM by Josey Vogels Maybe it’s easier for women to get laid than men. Maybe men can separate sex and love more easily than women. Maybe women still don’t believe that enjoying sex just for the sake of it doesn’t make you a bad person. Maybe it’s biological, as one guy explained to me. "Men are more aggressive about sex," he said. "Just look at the cruising that goes on in gay bars versus lesbian bars." Maybe women become less interested in sex as they become more secure in a relationship. Maybe men put less effort into seducing their wives once the challenge is over and they settle in for the long haul. Maybe men and women are still unable to understand, and cater, to each other’s sexual needs. The reasons men pay for sex in this society – whether from a prostitute, a stripper or a lap dancer – are varied and complex. Or, maybe in some cases, it’s as simple as "because it’s there." After all, men willing to pay for it and women happy to oblige is one of the oldest systems alive. Through good times, bad times, wartime, police crackdowns and despite (or perhaps thanks to) the Moral Majority and family values, guys keep coming back for more. For all the many questions and just as many answers out there right now about why so many young women are taking to the streets to earn a living, few are addressing the question of why men pay for sex. I wanted to know why. And some of you told me. "I have paid for sex for 40 years now. When I was single, I only paid occasionally. [...] I have been happily married for 30 years now and still enjoy paid sex," one reader wrote in response to my question about why men pay for sex. "I enjoy the pure pleasure of receiving the sexual attention, of pure sexual gratification. I look forward to a young woman undressing and having sex just for the animal pleasure of fucking. [...] I like not having to do any work. [...] I like a girl who enjoys giving pleasure. I do not flatter myself into thinking that they get the same enjoyment as I do from sex. Girls have asked me if I felt I was cheating on my wife. My reply is NO! I have not the time, energy or money for a mistress, nor the inclination for a commitment with a young woman – what I want is sex. I pay for sex but do not play golf or other money-intensive sports. This also replaces a night out with the boys." "I believe it is primarily a power trip. You buy an hour (or two) of time from a hooker. She is yours for that hour. She will do anything (almost) you ask of her. [...] Doing it with a hooker means that there are no strings attached. It does not require an emotional commitment. You do not have to wine, dine and generally try to win her over. (The wining and dining route is no guarantee of getting laid, either.) You visit a hooker, you pay your money, you get your rocks off. Period. [...] Another reason a guy will go to a topless joint is the fact that he is lonely. He just wants to talk to a pretty lady. And he will pay for the privilege. I have often seen dancers spend a good part of an afternoon at one’s guy table, just talking to him. (A sort of role playing with the dancer playing psychologist, mother or just a female figure with a sympathetic ear.) The guy will pay her to listen to him. On a per-song basis. (Let’s see: around 15 songs an hour, times six, $7 per song.) Lucrative work if you can get it." "I pay for sex (primarily strippers but escorts on rare occasions) for several reasons. The first reason is because I need affection, something I have yet to find with any girls I have known. The truth is I’m a very good-looking, sensitive, intelligent, physically fit guy who can’t seem to find a girlfriend even though I’ve been looking for about five years. I pay for sex because I need the physical and emotional (yes, that’s right!) warmth I get. At least strippers say hello, which is more than I’ve got from most other women." "I have thought recently that if prostitution were not so wrapped up in criminality, exploitation, the last resort of the desperate, etc., it could be a very good service. If I could afford it, which I can’t, I would like to use such a service. "Strip clubs, peep shows and lap dancing all sound pretty unsatisfying. I think that they would augment sexual frustration rather than diminish it. I went to the odd strip club in my younger days (I am 37) and found them seedy and not much fun. Live pornography. I would love to meet a woman for a meaningful relationship. Failing that, which has been the case for me for some time now, I think that an alternative is necessary. It seems stupid to me to go to a club with blaring music and try to pick someone up. The dating-service thing also seems pretty odd. It all seems so contrived. If we are going to go the contrived route, why not just go somewhere where sex is offered, no one is being exploited and we can be up front and honest about everything?" "I’m 57, married for over 33 years and have three children in their 20s. [...] I can only speak for myself. Loneliness is a prompt, searching for love is another, but usually these needs are only made worse when one pays for it. "Tired of our hands? Curious about what’s out there? Maybe, but mainly, I’ve paid for it because in paying I can make the separation between sex and love. It doesn’t jeopardize my relationship with my wife [if she doesn’t know about it] and it relieves – momentarily, of course – sexual frustration, which in my case is considerable since my lovely wife, my life-time friend, hasn’t wanted to make love to me for over a year." Part of me wants to ask, "Well, why hasn’t your wife wanted to make love to you?" Maybe he’s tried. A guy quoted in a Marie Claire article about why he paid for sex said that seven out of 10 of his married friends have cheated because they weren’t getting it at home the way they wanted to. Are we that mean? I somehow doubt it’s entirely our fault. If women are holding out, depriving men of "sexual intimacy and fulfilment," as another guy said, then maybe we’re not being clear about our own sexual needs. One guy I talked to about why men pay for sex was affronted by the question. It was as if I had asked whether he thought freedom of speech was a bad thing. As if buying sex is a God-given right for men. Maybe guys do just need that physical release more than women. As another guy said, "Sex is something I need in order to function the next day. [Going to a prostitute] is purely sexual, and that’s what a man needs once in a while. I don’t think it’s what a woman needs." Or maybe men are more used to having their needs met. I get lonely, too. Why doesn’t it occur to me to pay for some attention? I suppose the fact that this is one of the few female-dominated professions is no surprise. We’re trained from an early age to please men, and men have grown to expect it. I don’t want to deny a guy his physical pleasure, nor do I want to deny a girl an honest living. Obviously this system has worked as well as any for a very long time. But I can’t help but wonder what would happen if there were no prostitutes to go to. Perhaps sex crimes would rise as men acted out their sexual frustration in a less organized fashion. Or maybe some guys would try and figure out why they’re not getting it the way they want with their partner. Maybe some guys would learn that you can’t always get what you want. Maybe I’m just jealous. I’ll let you know when there are as many women paying for sex as men. Josey Vogels is the nationally syndicated author of Dating: A Survival Guide from the Front Lines. Visit www.mymessybedroom.com.

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